Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.